Married With Horses
posted by citizen.K on Friday, August 22nd, 2008 / 
Print & Hang in the Barn
Horse barns, boarding facilities, training facilities, and horse shows are filled with…women. Sure, in the Western horse world, and even outside of the United States, a large percentage of men make up the equestrian population, but in the US at Hunter, Jumper, Dressage, Eventing, and “pleasure” barns - women rule the roost.
The gender dichotomy among American horse owners and riders is a whole different article, but what about those males peripherally involved in horses; the husbands, boyfriends, partners, or significant others?
On average, most of those guys could give a crap about horses. No interest at all.
Why is that?
Usually, most non-horse people don’t understand the huge financial and time commitment that comes with horseback riding. When a serious relationship begins, horses and riding comes up casually. Then there is the staple response from the non-horsey person, “Oh, yeah, I’ve ridden horses before”. Sure, Bub, what on a guided trail ride? Please! In the beginning, the interest shown by the (then) potential significant other is genuine but confused of the importance horses play in the woman’s life.
Most women don’t even bring a suitor to the barn until finances mix. Why bother? They won’t understand, they will be bored, and most importantly, the barn is sacred! Who wants to singe the barn with personal relationships that may come and go, when the horse is here to stay?
Once that relationship does end up being “serious” and “long-term”, most often, there still isn’t much of an interest from the non-horse half to get involved in the equestrian part of life. Financially, there must be some interest I would think; maybe even just the question, “Why is so much money poured into the horse every month?” Also, the time spent riding, at the barn, showing, taking lessons, and maybe even just talking about horses can cause jealously towards the horse.
Usually it’s just because the man doesn’t understand.
And the female-horse bond isn’t all that easy to explain, either. When someone asks, “Why do you ride horses?” I often have to think about it. Horses and riding are something that only another horse person and rider can fully comprehend. In all honesty, I think the majority of horse people use horses as therapy. It’s a great escape from the “real world”. Horseback riding is challenging no matter how long you have done it; and conquering that challenge is quite therapeutic. Not to mention the relationship you form with your equine friend - the level of communication involved in horseback riding is complex. And rewarding. And exciting.
I have seen many a women try to get their significant other involved with horses, but it never seems to work out. Think about it though, how intimidated would you be if your significant other was involved in an activity in which mere proximity to the subject brings danger. Horses freak people out, and as equestrians know, for good reason. Jumping right into being around horses can be scary, and for people that don’t know horses, suddenly standing by one (or many) can bring about high anxiety. Through no fault of their own, many a husband is most unwilling to submit themselves to situations in which their “woman” is totally in control and comfortable while their big, strong, manliness is taken into question. A good guy would find the woman’s prowess in the face of danger endearing, but when it comes to danger avoidance skills and confidence, many guys don’t want to feel insecure (even if they aren’t meatheads).
Then there’s the poop. I know, it seems silly, but think about it; horses crap a lot, they fart a lot too. For someone who hasn’t been on a farm before, out of the city, or just doesn’t have much experience with animals, the horse is a big hurdle. Having a significant other, whom maybe has never actually stepped in a pile of manure, realize these “apples” are really not that big of a deal, can be…well…a big deal. It’s funny, really, especially because with a sport/hobby dominated by women, horses are dirty and you probably won’t get more experience with excrement or mammalian gas than working with and around horses. That significant other with no horse experience is going to find the horse excrement portion intimidating, distracting, often gross, and sometimes, humorous.
Then of course there is the social aspect of horseback riding. Sometimes a guy doesn’t exactly fit into the barn’s social scene; especially when it is dominated by women who don’t involve their significant others. To the outsider, even if it’s just a friend (never-mind the boyfriend or hubby), a bunch of horse talk can make them feel out of place. Horse people speak their own language; there are words heard in a barn not found anywhere else, or at least not with the same meaning. Here are some examples of confusing horse vocabulary:
- Withers
- Colic
- Windpuff
- Proud Flesh
- Heaves
- Green
- Frog
- Equitation
- Founder
- Navicular
- Cribbing
- Dapples
- Fleabitten
- Irons
- Surcingle
- Lounging
- Chestnut (not the color!)
So we have established that horses are confusing, intimidating, dirty, and basically, foreign to an outsider. But why not invite your significant other into that world? Obviously, horses are important to you; wouldn’t you want your husband involved?
I ask that question a lot, and about 70% of the time, the response, is lead by big, strong, gut wrenching laughter. Oh yeah, I guess I forget that many people have dysfunctional relationships and the horse operates as a perfect escape from that terrible, annoying significant other. Or, in some of the more “hoity toity” barns, the women don’t understand WHY they would have their husbands involved in horses beyond, well, paying for them.
“That’s just silly; of course he is interested in my horseback riding. Why do you think he just paid $125,000 for my new horse?”
True, some husbands finance their wife’s horse hobby to keep them out of their hair.
Occasionally, you might run into a husband who rides. What? Yeah, I mean, well, of course he got roped (guilted) into getting a horse all for himself. You know, so they could spend more quality time with each other. The husband had gone out to the barn twice a week, the wife wanted more, his “excuse” was that if he had his own horse it would be more fun. Well, happy birthday! He got a horse. “Gulp”, yep now he either has to come clean or commit to spending lots of time out at the barn. Rarely does that work for the best.
Then there are married women who’s spouses also have a time consuming hobby as well, so they just each do their own things. Coordinate the barn with his hobby time. This makes sense, but wouldn’t important moments in each persons’ “hobby” be a time of participation? Maybe it’s the first horse show, or the first time jumping, or the new horse; how about having the husband/boyfriend around at least for observance?
Sometimes a horse woman might have the casual, horse show husband. The ones that show up at the horse shows only to have their asses kissed by the trainers (knowing they are an influential part of the horse bill approval process). Of course they don’t want to help, and there’s a good chance they won’t even figure out what ring their wife is riding in. But the horse shows brings beer, wine, and food. Plus a chance to mingle with other horse show husbands who could care less about the sport!
And what about the husbands of Hunter riders who really like to come to the shows and watch the Jumpers, but can barely keep their eyes open for the hunter round? What happens then? To save her from once again trying to explain the “point” of the Hunter class and why the horses just go around in circles, the husband is just no longer invited.
I wonder about the actual numbers of involved horseback rider second-halves who don’t ride, but actually enjoy being out at the barn and especially love watching their wives ride. I have seen very few men who’ve embraced the horse and barn through the passion of their wives, and the ones I have seen are very cool.
The most recent horse-husband I met actually got his wife into horses over 40 years ago. She used to ride Hunter/Jumper; because of her age, she has moved into Dressage, though not competitive. He hasn’t missed one of her lessons (twice a week) since 1965 and genuinely loves to watch his wife ride. How amazing is that? Dedication, from both the wife as a rider and the husband as a fantastic supporter.
It sure would be nice to see more significant others on the sidelines cheering their partners on in the ring. Or some just even showing up to watch a hack.
Spouses have a lot to learn from each other when delving into the passions and goals of their partner. Being married with horses is an interesting predicament: horses are such strange territory for most people, and most often, even the bonds of marriage sit out of this passionate hobby, sport, or profession.
And as equestrians, we all know horseback riding, in any capacity, is unique.
Thing is, for both equestrian, spouse, and sometimes, even the animal, being married with horses is an equally unique experience as well.
11 Responses to “Married With Horses”
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August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
I recently ended my 2 year relationship with my live in boyfriend over my horse. He hated my horse, hated all the time i spent at the barn. He hated that I would rather be witn Tinc and my barn girls then with him. Men just dont get this bond with horses.
One of my tests when I was dating in highschool and college was to bring my beau to the barn to meet my horse “friday” at the time. Friday was my man, my love, and most importantly my life! If they were geeked out by me kissing fridays muzzle and the way i was with him, i sent the guy packing. I decided recently that when i start dating again each and every man will meet my horse to make sure they get that horses are #1 and always will be!
I’m never going to have a horse show hubby, or barn hubby i simply dont want them at the barn, that is MY place!
I loved this article!!!! Perfect!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
This is a great article! It is definitely a dilemma I’ve faced many times. I have often wondered what I will do when I find a partner. I know that, in my family, whenever a woman “settles down” with one person they tend to quit riding. I know that, for me, I would sooner quit breathing than quit riding. Once upon a time, I had a partner whom I had met at the barn and who also rode herself–it was pretty awesome because we could always be there for each other whether it was critiquing each others’ rides, fixing things around the barn, or sharing chores. The relationship eventually ended and I haven’t really brought someone I’m seeing to the barn since. Usually most girls I date say things like “you ride? that’s so cool!” or “I would love to meet your horse”. Most women don’t fully understand that “meeting my horse” involves a 4-hour ordeal–driving to the barn, stopping at the feed store, watching me tack up and untack, watching me ride, and being introduced to the barn folk. In all honesty, once I mention all the time involved, most girls back out. Also, I’m a different person at the barn than I am in the city where I live. My whole life I have always ridden way out in the country and lived in the inner city. So I just sort of split myself. I have met a lot of riders who are the same way.
Some day, I want to have a farm and live in the country. Unfortunately, the number of SANE lesbian women who want to have a farming life is very small–so small that I’m yet to meet one of them. I also want to adopt or foster kids someday–kids with autism. My assumption is that a woman who wants to live on a farm, loves horses, loves dogs, and loves kids with autism and also loves me won’t come along. So I’ll never have to worry
August 28th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
GOOD ARTICLE! my husband is from Germany and grew up riding/owning warmbloods ….the issue is he has no time, he likes horses and is a good rider but feels he would rather do his thing. and im perfectly fine with this because BARN TIME is MY TIME! not to mention i ride allot harder than he does so he gets nervous when i take off FULL SPEED!!!hehehehe.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:25 am
My husband’s argument is that I failed to fully disclose my level of committment during our “dating” period, i.e. I had my head in my (uh, the clouds)and riding was something I was doing part-time at that time anyway. I had leased something to event and rode friend’s horses. 2 years later we were married, pregnant and I had just competed at the Cap Challenge in adult am jumpers. I purchased a “resale” horse and began teaching/training full-time the moment it became possible after the birth of my son. My poor husband had NO clue what he was getting into. I ALWAYS knew horses would again become the center of my life- it has been for most of it so far and I have no intention of lessening the regularity or intensity from here on out. I think he’s finally accepted this but I have to foot the bill all the way to keep things in a happy place. BTW, he’s very open about having no interest in horses, horse people or the barn. He will occassionally come out w/ me and play w/ our son while I ride. He’ll come to shows now and then. I’m happy to keep this to myself. It is, has been, will always be my escape- 100 degree heat index/ridiculous humidity and all. If I had it to do again- I’d consider the big picture and definitely make my crazy, obsessed horse life more apparent.
January 28th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I too loved this article! Men just don’t get it, and I personally believe that can’t. Even a man with his dog, and the depth of emotion there is nothing like the COMMITMENT that’s required of us horse owners.
My man is always pissed I’m at the barn, but God bless him, he pays for it. Only because our son competes, that’s right SON competes hunter/jumper. I’m proud to be raising a HORSE MAN! He’s only 13, and has been riding for four years, so this forces his dad to be present at his shows. He’s miserable the whole time, pissed he has to drive so far, that it takes Thursday to Sunday (trashing the weekend) for him at least. Nope, never get it.
The one thing he does get is COMPETITION. Since riding is our son’s only sport, he was pretty much forced to buy show horse. (Little did he know the sales price was the cheap part, hahaha) Still he complains about the time my son “wastes” at the barn. “He needs more of a social life!” “He needs other boys!” Blah blah blah
Being a horseperson makes you a good person by default. My son’s learned responsibility, commitment, and what it takes to take care of something that relies on you completely. He wouldn’t have learned that at a skateboard park.
And I’ve never seen a group of kid’s who are obviously high, drunk, or stoned around any barn either. So it would be a dream come true to have a man that could even quit complaining, and leave us the time we need for riding. Alas, it’s only that…a dream.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:55 am
This article is very very true in every way haha. You never fully understand why we ride horses until you get your first horse, attend your first show and fall off. It’s the blood sweat and tears that makes it good. Oh and the thearaputic part, read “The Tao of Equus” book (off amazon) it is great and includes many reasons why women love horses.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I totally agree with this article. My partner of over three years will someday help to foot the bill, and has taken an active interest. He’s a medical resident, and finds the ‘vet’ aspect of horse care really interesting. The first time I had him out to watch me take a lesson, he was really interested in how to pick out hooves, whether it hurt them, etc, and even volunteered to pick one out himself. Golf is his thing, so I don’t anticipate him coming out to ride anytime soon, but its really nice to have the support. I’ve dated others who belittled the sport (as a non-sport) and didn’t understand my devotion to my horse. It’s hard to make others understand how riding gets under your skin.
February 17th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
My future husband is not a horse person and I do worry that the financial aspect of it will become a problem at some point. We both have our own hobbies (he fishes) and we support & accept that WE don’t always have to do things together. I don’t need him to be involved w/ horses because it’s MY thing. He doesn’t get “it” and never will and that’s ok. He does like watching the jumpers/crosscountry and doesn’t understand how I can watch an hour of horses riding the same dressage test…hahaha.
May 5th, 2009 at 7:32 am
HaHa! Loved this article. When I first started riding with my trainer she told me, “You are going to have to find a guy who is interested in horses, otherwise it won’t work.” I kind of looked at her funny but 10 years later (and a few non-horsey boyfriends later), I am married to a man who grew up around horses his whole life. Although he isn’t a big fan of hanging around the barn all day, he does entertain me by coming to some of my shows.
Great article!
June 12th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Seems to me that we men are the minority so I had to comment.
It’s true I was introduced to riding by my girlfriend but it was me that asked if I could come to the bard and It was me that asked if I could learn to ride. After many a lesson I now have my own horse and I want to ride as often as she does. She always told me that the horse thing was hard to catch but catch it I have. I know many of the girls are glad to not have their significant other at the barn with them but I’m lucky in that my girlfriend encourages me to ride and I’m often there without her. We both love trail rides together and letting the horses race each other though she invariably wins being the better rider and having a faster horse. I often watch her ride in awe of her ability and knowing the skill it takes to ride as she does fully appreciate her love for her time on her horse and hopefully I too can achieve the same with mine.
I may be one of a very few but I’m glad I get to ride too.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Ok I have to comment too - Lowell is my significant other and while I really enjoyed the article and have been on that side of the “fence” I’m glad he likes it as much as I do… I’m truly the lucky one as he is one of those rare men who can fit into that “female dominated” world (granted we ride at a western barn where there are a few other guys around but we both prefer english…). B’sides, before he got his own horse to ride, we all loved having “Coco the stable boy” to help us pick up poo!